Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Can't Control a Rollercoater

These past couple weeks have been strange.

Lots of little things have been happening unexpectedly.  And none of them are catastrophes, but they're not the sort of things that make you jump up and say "yay!"  There have just been a lot of surprising little disappointments.  The people who were supposed to look at my room didn't show up, someone I thought I'd see at teacher training can't make it, someone said some mean things that took my by surprise, etc. etc.    They're all things that I can totally deal with, but they're things that I didn't see coming.

I'm not writing to complain.  I really don't feel bad for myself.  I just have this uncanny impression that the universe is testing me, just a little bit.  I feel like I'm up at bat, and the universe is the pitcher who's tossing me easy warm-up pitches and saying, "Okay, can you hit this one?"  "Okay, now how about this one?"  "Are you sure you want this?  Are you really sure?  What if I throw this?"  Apart from one shocking fastball yesterday afternoon, it's all felt almost gentle.  Teasing.

Like I said, it's weird.

There's a law that I've heard and read from a couple of different sources which basically says, "when important things are about to happen, bigger problems come to try to stop them."  (That's from How Yoga Works, by the way, page 40.)  That's kind of the impression that I've been getting.  Because leaving grad school to go to "yoga college" was kind of a big thing for me, and this is a big commitment that I've made.  It's important to me.

I'm feeling profoundly aware of how little control I have over the events in my life, including all the things that are about to happen.  I can control my breathing and my reactions, and that's about it.  Everything else is just going to happen, and I am going to be a passenger.  I don't get to drive this car, not even as a "back seat" driver!

And that's okay.

I've been thinking of the roller coaster analogy a lot.  Right now I feel like I am in this roller coaster that's climbing the first hill, and it's really cool and exciting and scary and amazing, and I'm not going to be able to control this ride at all.  I'm not driving this thing!  The only choice I get to make - and the only choice I have to make, how nice - is how I'm going to react to this ride.  I could cling onto the safety bar with white knuckles going "ohshitohshitohshit," or I can fling my arms up in the air ("armsovertheheadsideways!"), scream "WOO HOOOO," and enjoy the heck out of the ride.

I'm gonna try for the second option...

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