Classic One-Liners

If you are looking for a deep, eloquent, and insightful essay on yoga, you will not find that here tonight. Instead, I feel like going for pure fluff and recounting some of my favorite one-liners and bloopers. Because I was getting the giggles with one of my friends before class this evening (ok, and a little bit during pranayama, too...) and it is fun.

Sometimes it's the little things that will set you off. One time I went to an afternoon class with a girlfriend of mine (full disclosure: we had banana cream pie and margaritas a few hours before class) and we were just finding EVERYTHING funny. I thought we were gonna get kicked out! This woman near us gave this big dramatic SIGH and we pretty much lost it. Then in full locust, our adorable Japanese teacher said "745 taking off!!" instead of "747" and I spent the entire pose giggling uncontrollably. That was a GOOD day.

I love it when the teachers tell me off (because they always do it with good humor and love). One of my favorite put-downs ever was from that same, ever-so-sweet teacher, who told me during savasana: "J. Heels should be touching. What the hell is wrong with you. You do perfect standing bow but cannot do savasana. I will throw you out from the studio." Totally deadpan. I LOVED this.

My other all-time favorite put-down was from the owner of another studio. I went back to visit and take her class last winter after winning 3rd place in the SoCal regionals, so I'm in class doing my locked-out, award-winning standing bow, feelin' alright about myself, and she goes, "J, touch your SHOULDER to your CHIN. Now I know why 3rd place!!"

And of course I have a special place in my heart for the time Bikram bitched me out personally in cobra pose, on my 2nd day in LA, while I was taking Emmy's class. "Miss Red! Hands-palms FLAT! You know what "flat" means?!?" (He was across the room and my hands looked pretty flat to me. It was almost a year later that I realized he must have been looking at my shoulders!!)

Of course I believe in a supportive environment, but the beat-downs are all be in good fun, and they are also funny as hell. A collection of a few other REAL quotes (with names omitted to protect the not-so-innocent):

"Open your legs more, use your high school experience."

"I have no idea what you're trying to do, look at everyone else, you're not even close, brother."

"You need to look at yourself in the mirror, because then you will be so horrified at what you see there that you might actually do something about it."

"Sir... we just had a conversation in the lobby twenty minutes ago... you appeared most chipper and buoyant then. I have observed your practice for the last fifteen minutes, and I am rather confident that within that timeframe I did not witness any exertion on such a grand scale that would justify such a lovely rendition of child's pose now. Please stand and re-join your fellow comrades for second set. We will wait."

At end of class: "Good job, boss, You took all of my shit. I appreciate that."

A couple random Bikramisms from last summer..

"I heard Pluto not a planet anymore? What happened?!"

"Touch your H. E. E. L. heel, like in Beverly Heels!!"

"Everybody coming to my disco party tonight?"

When nobody is standing on 2nd line: "What is wrong with this line, somebody shit on it? Everybody move up!"

Sometimes it gets a little political...

Bikram, the day after McCain picked a woman as his running mate: "I heard a Republican did a smart thing yesterday, first time ever!!"

Another teacher, in 2nd part awkward pose (repeated in EVERY class): "Your thighs should shake and shiver... like Jerry Falwell... watching Brokeback Mountain."

(What was even funnier was the studio owner's total exasperation as she told him, "Dude... you can't use the exact same jokes, in the exact same place, every time you teach class...")

And there are always the bloopers, like my friend who tried to say, "These postures are really quick" for spine strengthening series, and instead said, "These postures are really sick." That still makes me laugh.

This one's not even mine, but some girl on a Facebook board told a great story that cracked me up. She's about 2 months out of training, and Craig Villani (TT director) is taking her class. In half tortoise, she gets the idea that she wants to say "put your hands together like you're clapping," and instead she says "hands together like you've got the clap..."

I think the new teachers are totally adorable when they get flustered and just start playing "body part Mad Libs" with the dialogue (if you know what I mean). I totally sympathize. The last time I tried to say the dialogue for triangle to someone (you know, just for fun), I kept saying "left chin" for some reason. I couldn't help myself! I was trying to say "touch your chin to your left shoulder" and just kept going "touch your left chin to you lef- UH OH... Your left chin to your left- 'left chin?!' WHAT am I saying?! Touch... your... *don'tsayleft, don'tsayleft, dont'sayleft*.... CHIN... to your... LEFT... SHOULDER." It was like the hardest thing I ever said in my life. I have no idea why.

Ok guys, your turn... what are the lines that have made you snort water out of your nose during party time? Tell, tell, tell!